


Smile

by sharky_is_totally_screaming



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Cheating, F/M, M/M, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-02
Updated: 2018-05-02
Packaged: 2019-05-01 01:48:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14509824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharky_is_totally_screaming/pseuds/sharky_is_totally_screaming
Summary: John has been distant lately and Alex finds out why.I was supposed to be writing my other story but this is what happened.I suck at writing, pls don't read.I kinda tried to be funny? I'm no good.Also on wattpad





	Smile

**Author's Note:**

> Don't read this, it's terrible.  
> Trigger warning: suicide

Alex's pov:

I saw him last night embracing a woman who I've never seen before, I thought that he loved me but I was terribly mistaken. I love him so much, but I suppose I was never enough for someone like him. I cried all night and he didn't even make it back before sunrise. He was the only thing that was keeping me here, but now there's nothing and I'm leaving him for good, but I'll smile and pretend for one more night. I was wrong to think he'd ever love someone like me, I have to move on...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"John?" " yes?" He responds. "Do you love me?" "Of course sweetheart." "I love you, will you promise me that you'll never leave me?" I ask. "I promise." He swears. It breaks my heart because I know it's true, he will never leave me, which is why I have to. "I love you more then anything in the world." I say. "I love you more then anything in the universe." He replies. I know that's not true. "Kiss me?" He leans in and presses his lips against mine, gentle and loving. "Je t'aime mon lumiere." I whisper against his lips and he pulls away and shivers. "I'll get an extra blanket, you get changed into something warmer." "You're an angel." He says. But I'm not your angel, I think bitterly. "You're my world." I answer honestly. I want to cry again.

I grab the blanket quick and head back to our room. When I open the door I see John shirtless, covered with marks from her. He tenses up and quickly puts a sweater on. I slap on my biggest smile and throw myself on the bed. "Hurry up and cuddle with me!" I whine. He crawls into bed with me and buries his face in my neck. "You're being awfully affectionate tonight, what's up?" He says." "Nothings up, I just miss you I guess." "Its almost Christmas," he says, starting to kiss my neck. "Y-yeah," I say nervously. I can't stop thinking about him with her, touching her. I wonder how long he's been seeing her, it's been two months since we did anything in bed, I've been really busy with the company, I should've seen this coming. It's all my fault, really, I've been neglecting him, it's not his fault that he got stuck with a horrible boyfriend like me. I can't fake it anymore, I need go.

I push him off me. "I going for a walk" I say. "What? No, you'll freeze!" Hopefully. "I'll be fine" I try to sound convincing. "Please Stay?" I just can't. "I'm so sorry." I whisper "For what?" He looks worried now. "Nothing, see you tomorrow." I go to grab my coat. "Wait," he hopped out of bed. "Alexander!? Why are you crying!?" I hadn't realized I was crying. "Are you okay Alex? Why are you trying to leave?" He says, taking my hands gently. "So you don't have to pretend anymore." I say in a soft voice, pulling my hands away. "What do you mean!?" "Goodbye," I run out the door.

I walk. And cry and cry and cry. I can't stop. How could he!? No, I can't be angry, not at him, if anyone, I should be angry at myself. He loves her. I'm so greedy and selfish and clingy. I've made my decision. I head home.

It's still dark when I get home. I shut the door as quietly as I can, and tiptoe around. I get out my best stationery, John's gift to me on our last anniversary, forest green with little golden quills stamped on it. I set to work, writing and writing, explaining everything. When I'm done i have eight notes, I go to my desk drawer and bring out a little velvet box and set it down on the table with the notes. 

I tiptoe into his room. It looks like he cried himself to sleep, I smile, a sad, bitter smile. It still amazes me, how outwardly he can express his feelings. Easy to cry, easy to laugh, to blush, to love. I never felt it was wise to express myself, I thought emotion was a sign of weakness. He taught me that it's okay to cry and love and feel. I pull the blankets over him and kiss him softly on the cheek. "I love you, Jackie. I'll see you again," I whisper and let myself out.

It's sunrise by the time I get to the park, and snow is falling like feathers from the sky. It's Christmas eve and people are starting to wake up to prepare. I can already hear children screaming Christmas carols somewhere in the distance. I gaze over the newly frozen lake and take a deep breath and start walking. As I walk I remember my first Christmas here in America. I remember standing on the gwb and staring down into the freezing water below. Then, suddenly, some guy I don't know grabs my coat and yanks me down, hugs me and starts crying. I smile at the memory, the first real smile in a while. I feel the ground start to shift, the ice is cracking. I'm so thankful for all the years he stayed with me, if it weren't for him I would've never known what it's like to have friends or punch Jefferson in the face. I'm not angry anymore, just numb and a little sad that it's over.

Suddenly I'm plunged into icy cold water and sinking fast. I remember everything, my mother's laugh, Peggy painting my nails, late night talks with Laf and Ron, slow dancing with Ria, kissing John under the mistletoe. I'm satisfied with my life. My last thought is of John, I hope he lives a full and happy life, I hope she makes him happy.

My love, take your time. I'll see you on the other side.

May/1/2018

**Author's Note:**

> Why did you read this!?  
> This is so stupid.  
> I can't believe I wrote this shit.  
> I probably have so many grammar mistakes.  
> I was trying to write my other story but this happened and I'm so sorry. 
> 
> I've never been kissed, I don't know how to write kisses. *cringe*
> 
> Alex's character is kinda inconsistent?
> 
> I kinda made John a jerk!? A nice jerk.
> 
> I'm a terrible writer, I should Never write again.  
> Never again. NEVER
> 
>  
> 
> If you read this please tell me if you HATED it and feel free to point out any mistakes you see. I'm so sorry for wasting your time. Thank you for reading this shit.
> 
> *DIES* lol


End file.
